Happiness & Dragons

**update on legit goings-on to come; waiting on pictures for it before I post.

Bear with me, this post is full of thought-puke.  Its all just going to pour out...

Pleasing others, its something I try to do too much.  And I need to quit.  There is a fine line between making others happy by doing a good job and making myself happy in the process.  People request me to do things and when I agree to do them I throw myself into it.  I seek to please to the utmost.  And I seek and seek and seek until its absolutely silly.  I don't always know where to quit.  And lately, its making me miserable. 

I'm trying to help out too many friends at once.  I have trouble saying no.  I'm running myself into the ground trying to please everyone but myself.  Its killing me.  It doesn't stress me out as much as school + work + social situations have freaked me out in the past - I'm not losing undue sleep over it - but its still stressing me out.  I see exactly whats happening and I want to resolve it.  But I just don't know how!  I don't know how to "just say no" when what I'm trying to accomplish is good.  Its helpful for others.  But helpful for others shouldn't take so much time away from  me being me.  That's the bottom line.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm so confused about who I am and who I want to be.  I'm trying to mold myself.  I know where I want to end up.  But then me, now me, and future-hopeful me are all clashing.  I can't get to where I want to be.  I'm booking myself too tight.  I'm disappointed in myself because of it - and that in itself is irrational. 

I'm upset with myself for having such a hard time and being miserable when I've got SO much going for me.  I'm SO lucky.  Why am I so unhappy about select things? 

I NEED to REALLY work on me time.  I need more me time.  I need to make it a DAILY OCCURRENCE.  I need to manage my time better.  I need to get my expectations in line with reality.  But its all so much easier said than done - not to be cliche.

This is all been triggered lately by my research into certain subjects.  My desire to do one thing, and one, or in some cases multiple, people coming down on me for it.  I need to stick to my guns.  I need to do what makes ME happy.  I need to buck up and deal with things just a little better.  But its really difficult when I try to do that and people blatantly ignore what I'm saying or trying to do.  I know things take time.  But damnit, time goes so slow when you're unhappy with things.  Hindsight is 20/20.  And in hindsight things seem so trivial that you once thought were impossible.  And in hindsight things seem to have happened in the blink of an eye, when at the time they seemed to drag on.  And I know, that in hindsight, all of this will be silly.  Just another tiny speed bump in my life.  Not a horribly deep pothole, but just a little speed bump. 

UGH!  I hate not knowing how to handle something; or what's more, I hate knowing how to handle something and not doing it!  Its like, I know how I want to act, how I should act, and then some part of me comes roaring out of it's cave I thought I'd locked it away in and just takes over and ruins things.  I need to keep these dragons caged.  Or better yet, find a way to set them FREE so they never return.  

Conclusions: I need to make more time for me; more time to slow down, to enjoy the slow passage of time in a relaxing manner.  I need to learn how to say no.  I need to buck up and deal with things a little better - in a way I want to deal with them, the way I know is right.  I need to set my dragons free.

Fly away dragons, fly away.

Motivation

Motivation - where did mine go?  I plugged through - what is it now? 16? - years of school.  Perfect grades in high school.  Second in my class.  College has been a bit more difficult, but a GPA of 3.72 is definitely respectable.  I've never had problems finding motivation to do my work - ever.  It was just this thing I had to do.  It has been my job for as long as I can remember.

But not now.  Now I'm struggling to get everything done.  I know it needs to be done.  I write daily to-do lists and reminders to myself.  But I just don't care as much anymore.  In fact, while trying to push through a particularly dry article for my Animal Behavior class this morning - this article has nothing to do with animal behavior, its all about pompous butt-heads trying to be better than everyone else at scientific writing...boring - a thought crossed through my head, "What if I just drop out?  I mean...why not?"  And that scared me, floored me that I would even think such a thing!  I have TWO MONTHS left before I become a college graduate. TWO MONTHS.  This is no time to stop!  I want time off, its coming.  62 days.  62 days until I take my final final exam.  62 days until I no longer have to wake up for classes.  62 days until I don't have to worry about grades, or due dates, or exams - none of it.  62 days.

I think I might have found my motivation to do this...finish everything up.  Run that last 100 meters as strong as I can.  But I still have so much to do!  And I'm scared about it because I know how much there is to be done.  But...but...but I KNOW I am capable.  I can do it.  That thesis?  I'll get it done.  I'll excel.  It may not be worthy of publishing in a scientific peer-reviewed journal, but it will be good.  It will be - I hope and pray - the best piece of scientific literature I've ever written.  I just have to take a little time each day to do a little work on it - or at least take a moment or two to think about what I need to do so I can do it all at once in a week or so...

I got this.

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In more exciting news, my friend Ty set off this morning on the Appalachian Trail.  Over the next five months he plans to do the entire 2,181 miles from Springer Mtn., Georgia to Mt. Kathahdin, Maine.  That's a long-ass walk!

I hope to meet up with him, - buy the poor ragged hiker a real meal - job and schedule permitting, later this summer.  It would be cool to hike a little of it with him, but the whole park my car at point A and hike to point B thing isn't exactly going to work for me unless I hitch a ride back to point A.

I told my mom about getting Gideon last night.  I was trying to hold off until he was in Elkins and until I had a job.  I just wanted to keep her from worrying more than she needed - guess that's a mom-thing.  She tends to freak out about things and then calls me to discuss and then I freak out more than is necessary.  So to avoid that completely I had wanted to wait...buuuttttt I gave in.  She's super excited about him.  She wants to go riding with me, too.  So does my brother when he arrives back from London in June.

So, Saturday will consist of getting Gideon moved successfully home.  73 miles south of here - I hope he travels well and doesn't spazz out.  Unfortunately it looks like rain all weekend - so I won't get to ride like I'd wanted.  BUT, I'm going back home on Tuesday again because...

--drum roll please--

I have an interview!  Goodness, oh goodness, do I hope it goes well!  Its a STEP position with Fish & Wildlife.  I really want this job.  Oh-so-badly.  It would be a great first job for me.  A great resume builder.  A great chance for me to get my foot-in-the-door with the real world.  I still definitely plan to go back to get my Master's - just not now, I need a freaking break. 

This week up-coming is gonna be a big one for me.  I'm super excited about the prospect of a job, pumped-beyond-pumped about moving my new horse home - a dream come true -, and excited that I have found a little bit of my lost motivation to help power me through the upcoming 62 days. 

I'll leave you with this -- the sun shining on my beautiful, noble dog as he shamelessly begs for a treat.  Gotta love him.