Tension

At ski patrol training lately we talk a lot about tension vs. traction and we tend to use a lot more tension.  Traction is something we tend to only use for mid-shaft femur injuries, but tension can be used to realign the body or make an attempt to realign a bone or joint that is out of whack.  All of this talk about tension made me realize that for the past six months I've been really tense.  My muscles are tight and rarely relaxed enough for me to calm down 100%.

This. Must. Change.

One of the big triggers for me that made me realize the tension I've held in my body is my riding style of late.  (And by "of late"  I mean these past six months.)  It just doesn't feel as good as it used to.  Not as effortless.  I come away hurting.  Going back to riding Stan helped a lot.  Riding a balanced horse is very pleasant, but it still doesn't come with the ease it used to. (By the way, Orion is looking and feeling a lot better and has put on lots of weight!  His new mom is working with him using alternative and natural methods.  More on him here.)  

I rode Stan bareback the other night on a whim.  It made a big difference for me.  I even went so far as to buck-up and ride a few jumps bareback.  I impressed myself with that pursuit - I was seriously expecting to end up on the ground.  Boy was I surprised to find it was a lot easier for me to jump bareback than in a saddle.  I even went so far as to line him up for a jump and then drop the reins and extend my arms out on either side.  Success.  He launched himself a few times and I stayed on.  I wasn't as sore as I expected the following day.  The reason?  I was more relaxed riding bareback.  I managed to trust my abilities and ease into doing what I loved the way I used to instead of obsessing focusing on every little thing.


My healthier diet change has brought about many more dreams at night.  Luckily, no nightmares.  This has left me feeling mentally restless while my body does tend to be somewhat rested.  But now, for the past month-ish I wake up many mornings with a sore neck, tight jaw (that I sometimes can't open without a little massage), and more recently, headaches.  Waking up with a headache is the ultimate worst start to your day.  They're hard to move past.

Over the past couple days I've noticed how tight the muscles in my neck and jaw are and have practiced releasing and relaxing them.  That persistent little headache eases away a little each time.  Hmmm, maybe I should freaking chill out?  The job stability/grad school/real world worries have had me tense since the beginning.  I guess I thought I would ease into it and things would go away.  Errr, wrong.  I need to relax more than I'd thought about things.  Make an active effort.

I'm going to try to put yoga into my life a little more frequently.  Try to get myself on a schedule with it.  It will help me out in all the aspects of my active life (riding, skiing, etc.).  I'm exploring my options for which type of yoga I'd like to pursue, or maybe I will do Pilates?  I know riding books for both exist, but I want to figure out the best exercises - where best = most successful.

So here's where you, the reader, come in:
Have you tried yoga or Pilates for relaxation, riding, or both?
What do you find to be most successful?

Broken, bouncing, and building

Last night I had an emotional break down.  A few key things triggered it, but overall it was due to a lot of stuff building up around me.  I have been booking myself way too tight for the past month.  Its killing me & I need to change it.  I've been reassessing some things and I've had a couple beautiful opportunities fall into my lap today when I was still feeling so down and confused.

Things are bouncing back up now.  Its going to be a few days before I know for certain - building in the right direction is encouraging though.  I hate that I had to break down to such a low point before I was able to build back up though.  I mean, I'm not out of the woods yet.  But I'm getting there for certain.  I need to practice things from Nina's class to keep my emotional and mental health in better shape.  I'm loads better than I used to be, but I still have work to do.

A preview of hopeful things to come

Today at work - for the first time ever since I started on June 5 - I was busy all day long until right around 5p when I finally completed what I had been working on.  Thats right, one big project that took up the whole day!  Craziness.  And I have a respectable pile of stuff to do later in the week.  AND I'm going to be in the field the next two days!  What is this nonsense?!  I don't really mind it, honestly.  The day passed SO much quicker.  I usually get to 1:30p and beg for the arrival of 5:30p but time never passes quick enough.  I only had a half hour to whittle away today.  Not too shabby at all!

NOT looking forward to this week/weekend however!!

Groove Thing

Two (almost) days back at school - and I'm a workaholic!  I've really found my old groove, and oh does it feel good!

I've been hummin' this song a lot today.  I've spent most of the day yesterday and today completely completing my to-do lists.  If that's not a good feeling then I don't know what is!  I'm still really overwhelmed with all I have to accomplish in the next three weeks.  Soooo many deadlines to meet.  They are really fast approaching - and while I'm freaking out a little here and there along the way, I know I'm going to get everything done and its all going to be ok.  And knowing that feels SO good.

I'm happier than I've been in awhile, too.  Being busy like this, having to-do lists, having deadlines and goals to meet - its awesome.  I'm really good at making a lot of things happen when they need to happen.  I think that's been the problem most of the semester - I just didn't have anything.  It was all occurring now.  Well, now is here and I'm busy again.  Groovin' through it all and feelin' good doing it.

I hope you are shakin' your groove thing, too!

Ready for anything - or trying anyway

I started this blog because new doors in my life were beginning to present themselves, to open and beckon me forth.  I was excited about all these new possible opportunities.  I was a little scared - but not really.  I had a plan.  I knew which door I was going through - and that confidence spurred me onward and made everything ok.

But I don't know what door I'm going through anymore - and it scares the shit out of me.

The doors to grad school - my plan - have been closed.  Temporarily, yes, but closed all the same.  I've been thrust into the real-world without warning.  It crept up on me and attacked when I was least ready - the real-world is a sit-and-wait, ambush predator.  And its big and evil and I don't like it.  I've applied for some jobs.  I'm kind of receiving positive feedback from one - but I have more hoops to jump through before that will work out for me.  Not knowing is driving me mad.

I've always been a person-with-a-plan.  I'm super organized and detail-oriented - great traits for most real-world opportunities, I'm learning.  I'm a bit of a control-freak who is learning to let things go.  I'm learning to relax more than I did, to let things go that I absolutely, 100% cannot change.  I was never super-crazy-control-freak-y, but I've never been as go-with-the-flow-y as I'd like to be.  Now I've got to be to be sane and sleep at night!

I'm all over the place since January 1st.  Absolutely, 100% all over the place.  I'm not the me I've known for years.  (Knowing who I am and who I'm not is an accomplishment of some-sort, I feel.)  I recognize that I'm growing, learning, and changing all the time - but since January 1st so many things have been thrust upon me that I never expected.  I'm being thrown hither and thither having to make big decisions and move through things.  I've reintroduced things back into my life to help with the stress - horses, climbing, yoga, etc. - but it still doesn't calm my sleep at night.  I sleep, sure, but I dream constantly, vividly, about a million and one tiny little things.  I'm never fully rested.  I've started napping too - and those are full of dreams as well.  I'm constantly on-edge.  Its all got to stop sometime - right?

This week up-coming is spring break for WVU.  I plan to spend it horseback riding, climbing, yogaing, eating yummy food, and relaxing with the pup.  I need to do a little bit of homework too - but that will be voluntary, to try and ease my load for when I return.  I want to try to "get ahead" with my schoolwork like I used to do all the time.  Lately I'm always behind and barely on-time - not very Liz.  Liz is prepared and early about things, this new me isn't.  This new me is fed up with classes and inept professors and - as a result of inept professors - frustrated about things and un-caring about my grade as long as its passing.  I just want out.  I know I'm going to miss college dearly when I'm done, but right now, I just want to be done.  Besidessssss, I'm gonna go back and get my MS eventually....

So pretty much - I'm scared.  I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing any more.  It scares the absolute shit out of me.  I imagine I should be thankful for the blank slate in front of my and all the awesome achievements I've laid out behind me - and I am - but boy am I scared about the unknown.  I'm going to do my best to take this all one-day-at-a-time for now - try to concentrate on the positive things, the known-every-day things.  And right now, on this morning that promises a beautiful day, I know this -- I missed these foggy, West Virginia mountain kind of mornings.  Foggy mornings that always promise a day of blue skies, sunshine, and calm breezes.  Foggy mornings with birds singing, encouraging the sun to come up and break away the fog - and threatening that other bird in the tree-by-the-driveway to stay the hell out of his territory =).  So, here's to today.

Longing for Summer

Its rained all day here.  All day.  And its supposed to snow a few inches tomorrow.  Ugh.  We have seen nothing but gray skies for days.  Its really starting to get to me.  Usually I end up miserable due to winter gray skies far before now.  That whole seasonal depression thing or something.  I just miss the sun - or maybe my shadow - either way.  Meh on all the drab, dreary weather.

It's caused me to just long for summer all day.  Even those super muggy days we seem to get around here.  At least there is an escape into an air conditioned house.  And the sun is plentiful.  I'm so tired of wearing "winter" clothes.  I'm ready to wear light fabrics.  Flowing dresses, short sun dresses, skirts, shorts, tanks, tees, bathing suits.  I'm ready to wear sandals - to run around barefoot - to feel the grass and mud between my toes.  I want to go camping and sleep out under the stars - with no blanket.  I want to hear the birds - and see them flitting about - all the neotropical migrants that return to these mountains each summer.  Its happening some already, but I'm ready to hear more of the robins and their angry chortles and calls when they get mad at one another or other intruders.

I'm excited to see Orion lose his fluffy winter coat.  I'm excited to see his lighter summer color and the dapples that I've been told he has.  Summer means he will have gained weight and I'll be able to ride him bareback (poor guy is too bony currently).  I can't wait to just ride in shorts and barefeet.  Completely hippie, but whatever, it makes me happy.

I can't wait for all the trees to flush out their lush, green leaves.  To walk under their canopies.  Oh!, and I cannot wait for the cicadas and crickets and katydids and all the other night bugs.  I love, love, love falling asleep to the sounds they make.

Summer, where are you?!  Warm nights, hammocks, camp fires, s'mores, tall grass, lush leaves, warm breezes, singing birds and bugs, swimming in the river...so many things.

Motivation

Motivation - where did mine go?  I plugged through - what is it now? 16? - years of school.  Perfect grades in high school.  Second in my class.  College has been a bit more difficult, but a GPA of 3.72 is definitely respectable.  I've never had problems finding motivation to do my work - ever.  It was just this thing I had to do.  It has been my job for as long as I can remember.

But not now.  Now I'm struggling to get everything done.  I know it needs to be done.  I write daily to-do lists and reminders to myself.  But I just don't care as much anymore.  In fact, while trying to push through a particularly dry article for my Animal Behavior class this morning - this article has nothing to do with animal behavior, its all about pompous butt-heads trying to be better than everyone else at scientific writing...boring - a thought crossed through my head, "What if I just drop out?  I mean...why not?"  And that scared me, floored me that I would even think such a thing!  I have TWO MONTHS left before I become a college graduate. TWO MONTHS.  This is no time to stop!  I want time off, its coming.  62 days.  62 days until I take my final final exam.  62 days until I no longer have to wake up for classes.  62 days until I don't have to worry about grades, or due dates, or exams - none of it.  62 days.

I think I might have found my motivation to do this...finish everything up.  Run that last 100 meters as strong as I can.  But I still have so much to do!  And I'm scared about it because I know how much there is to be done.  But...but...but I KNOW I am capable.  I can do it.  That thesis?  I'll get it done.  I'll excel.  It may not be worthy of publishing in a scientific peer-reviewed journal, but it will be good.  It will be - I hope and pray - the best piece of scientific literature I've ever written.  I just have to take a little time each day to do a little work on it - or at least take a moment or two to think about what I need to do so I can do it all at once in a week or so...

I got this.

---

In more exciting news, my friend Ty set off this morning on the Appalachian Trail.  Over the next five months he plans to do the entire 2,181 miles from Springer Mtn., Georgia to Mt. Kathahdin, Maine.  That's a long-ass walk!

I hope to meet up with him, - buy the poor ragged hiker a real meal - job and schedule permitting, later this summer.  It would be cool to hike a little of it with him, but the whole park my car at point A and hike to point B thing isn't exactly going to work for me unless I hitch a ride back to point A.

I told my mom about getting Gideon last night.  I was trying to hold off until he was in Elkins and until I had a job.  I just wanted to keep her from worrying more than she needed - guess that's a mom-thing.  She tends to freak out about things and then calls me to discuss and then I freak out more than is necessary.  So to avoid that completely I had wanted to wait...buuuttttt I gave in.  She's super excited about him.  She wants to go riding with me, too.  So does my brother when he arrives back from London in June.

So, Saturday will consist of getting Gideon moved successfully home.  73 miles south of here - I hope he travels well and doesn't spazz out.  Unfortunately it looks like rain all weekend - so I won't get to ride like I'd wanted.  BUT, I'm going back home on Tuesday again because...

--drum roll please--

I have an interview!  Goodness, oh goodness, do I hope it goes well!  Its a STEP position with Fish & Wildlife.  I really want this job.  Oh-so-badly.  It would be a great first job for me.  A great resume builder.  A great chance for me to get my foot-in-the-door with the real world.  I still definitely plan to go back to get my Master's - just not now, I need a freaking break. 

This week up-coming is gonna be a big one for me.  I'm super excited about the prospect of a job, pumped-beyond-pumped about moving my new horse home - a dream come true -, and excited that I have found a little bit of my lost motivation to help power me through the upcoming 62 days. 

I'll leave you with this -- the sun shining on my beautiful, noble dog as he shamelessly begs for a treat.  Gotta love him.

Paper

Grad school?  Pff, whats that?  Apparently I'm not good enough...haha, no, that's not really it at all.  I'm good enough.  I'm competitive.  Just not competitive enough for the slim pickings of positions that are out there.  I'm going to be graduating in an absolute rut.  I have applied; I have polished my experience to the best of my abilities since I've been in college; I am a master at writing cover letters now.  Transcripts were paid to be sent, GRE scores paid to be sent, letters of recommendation written and sealed, cover letters and CVs were printed and mailed.  So much paper, a couple trees I'm sure...but all of this?  Not enough to cut it in today's society with funding being what it is.  Bah.  Money, you are the bane of my existence.  I wonder almost daily why we have to have money?  I mean look at it, just pull a dollar out and really look at it for a moment.  Feel it.  Bend it, crinkle it.  Its just a silly piece of paper (and other such materials).  Paper.  We get all bent out of shape for pieces of paper.  It seems silly when I think about it so in depth, and yet, there it is, money.  Can't escape it...

So, I'm coming to terms with where I'm gonna go, what I'm gonna do after May 15th.  May 15th.  Man, that's scary.  The official end to my undergraduate career.  Dawning a gold robe, tassels, and the like, strutting across a stage *without falling embarrassingly*, taking a[nother] piece of paper from an individual I likely have never met or interacted with in my four years at WVU (the bane of a big school).  And this piece of paper?  Its gonna tell the world that hey, look at this chick, she did college.  Really did it.  Y'know?  Bachelor of Science (hopefully with honors) in Biology.  And that piece of paper?  I'm sure my parents will frame it and add it to the growing wall of accomplishment in my bedroom at home.  Safe-keeping it with my HS diploma and swimming achievement plaques until I find a place of my own some day...

A place of my own?  I don't know where or when that will take place.  After May 15th I don't really know what I'll be doing.  I have more papers to compose undoubtedly.  Cover letters, CVs, and any other possible nonsense required for me to attain a temporary position somewhere.  I'm thinking I'll try for a summer position lasting 3 or so months somewhere near-ish.  I plan to take weekend classes to get my OEC certification requirement (aka another little piece of paper saying I did something) to become a national ski patroller this winter.  After three-ish months of some (hopefully fun) job, I think I'd like to return to Morgantown.  Find another silly job for awhile doing something I don't want to do forever.  Hang out.  Bide time.  Enjoy friends.  And then, then I'll try to snag a job of significance.  Another temporary one undoubtedly, but by this time I'll be a certified ski patroller (and that comes with more than just a piece of paper, I get a fancy red jacket oooohhhh yeeaaahhhhh).

With time I'll be somewhere doing something awesome.  I've got five years before my GRE scores expire.  Five years to get back and complete a Master's.  Five years to play.  Five years to add more pages to my CV.  To add more ink to paper.  All this paper though?  All these words that claim I did something, achieved something, got somewhere?  Its more than just words on paper.  Its experience.  Its memories.  Its priceless skill I have gained with hands-on experience.  Its building me into me.  And you know what?  Its gonna be a blast.

Building Character

Building character, that's what they call it when you're going through a hard time.  Its the positive outlook way to see things.  I'm trying to be positive, but, man, am I tired of building character.  Its tough stuff.

Going through this break up has been really rough; worse because I'm not even certain why it happened.  The "how to fix this" conversation didn't even occur.  He just kind of bailed out.  And I'm working on moving on.  And all things considered, I really think I'm doing a stand-up job.

Today was my "big" interview.  I suppose it was a grand experience to sit and talk to said professor.   But he had absolutely no interest in me as a graduate student.  He just told me about the process and gave me ideas on where to apply and how to go about it.  I'm grateful, but I knew most of that stuff already.  I've already applied places.  No one has interest in me.  Wildlife is difficult that way.  You can't simply "get into" a school.  You've got to find a professor that likes you, they've got to already have a position in mind, and they've got to have it fully funded.  Makes life difficult.

I guess today was just another one for the books.  But it's ok.  I'm getting used to this let-down thing.  Its getting easier at least.  Building character.  Yeah, I can do that.  Why not.  I'm sure I'll be better for it in the long run.  Its just hard right now.

One thing is for certain though.  I have the MOST amazing and supportive people around me anyone could ever ask for.  And I guess you don't really realize how great of a fan base you have until you go through things like this.  Its hard going through everything all at once, but the support I have?  Unbelievable.  The moments I don't believe in myself, when I doubt, when my confidence waivers, someone gives me the lift I need.  Phenomenal.

Now...if only the weather would cheer up a bit!  This dreary winter thing?  I'm over it.  Mr. Sun and I are long overdue for a date.  Until then though I have puppy therapy.  This is my new nephew:

Silas, a long-haired Weim.  Pretty boy.  His mom is a super hard worker and is in school.  Tuesdays and Thursdays she can't be home with him so I've volunteered to babysit him those days for the first month or so.  He's only 10 weeks old.  Hard to believe the little chunker is gonna reach 90lbs one day!  Kenai likes him so far, wishes he was a little more rambunctious though, I think.  But that will come with time.

I had lunch today with an old friend, Tim.  (Weird that I can say "old friend".  I feel old...gah.)  It was REALLY good to see him.  Its been awhile since we got to sit down and talk.  He got married to his dream girl back in May and they're expecting their first, a little girl, at the end of June.  I'm super excited for him.  He was really hoping for a girl, probably one of few guys who would admit that.  I'm really excited to get to knit super cute little girl hats.  Did the boy thing already, now for little girl hats.  And knitting with ribbon, and fluffy-fuzzy yarn.  Ooohhh excitement.

For now...watching the few minutes of Gilmore Girls I've NEVER EVER seen!  My season two disc four skipped when I owned it before, so I finally emailed WB before break and now have my replacement season!  Its PHENOMENAL.  I'm super excited.  The first minute of never-viewed footage was really good, I have high hopes for the next bit too.  Its little things like this that are getting me through.  Haha, pathetic.  But man, I LOVE Gilmore Girls!  And my love for them is going to lead me to finish this post with one little phrase:


COPPER BOOM!