Identity Crises and Intrinsic Motivation

Oh, wait, what's this? It couldn't be me crawling back to the surface from a state of long-dormant blogging. In fact, it might not be. As I write these words, I'm still uncertain if I'll click "publish" when it's all said and done. And I am really not sure if I will continue to write after this post if I do (though I must admit, I've thought about coming back for over a year now), but here's something for now based on posts about "identity crises" I've seen floating around ye olde blogosphere recently. 

: : : : :

Regarding identity crises as a horseperson -- 

Endurance was my bread and butter for quite some time. I loved having a goal to pursue that also let me see stunning trails and landscapes. It was amazing. But when my little mare Q started to have increased bouts of not-quite-rightness that would pull us up at vet checks, it became a lot less fun. In fact, it became quite anxiety inducing not knowing if it would happen or when it would happen. Of course, there was the, Is this animal I care so much about okay and what can I do to make her okay? line of thinking that consumed me. So I did my due diligence and checked all the boxes to address that. And spoiler alert, no one could find anything truly wrong after numerous work ups. The best recommendation anyone could give was to focus on numerous small adjustments to see where that would get me. 

I took the time. I made the adjustments. Despite it all, the problem persisted. And with its persistence, another stressful line of thinking became very loud, I just spent $###, countless prep hours, and travel hours to get here and only to be pulled after one /two/ whatever loops for something no one can pinpoint or agree on being truly "wrong" beyond "consistently inconsistent NQR". 

With that line of thinking and the anxiety it induced, the fun of endurance just went away. The roulette feeling of being pulled over something consistently inconsistent was just too much. Horses are supposed to be fun. And this wasn't fun. 

I suppose I could have found another horse more capable. But I love my horses more than I love any one sport or discipline. And I'm not going to swap them out for another just because they aren't perfectly suited for a sport/discipline. 

Knowing this and then making the decision to quit endurance was hard for me at first. I felt bereft without a goal to work toward. How could I possibly justify hours spent at the barn and miles spent on the trail without having a way to prove to myself it was worth it?! 

Oh wait, that's right. I don't need to prove it was worth it through any other way than answering yes to these two questions: Am I having fun? Do I enjoy this?

Always, the answer is YES.

I floated about for awhile after making the decision to quit endurance. I simply enjoyed my time spent and miles ridden. It was great. But then got the itch again. I started to want to get back into something. But it was just not in my budget to be able to pursue anything once I crunched numbers on the various options. 

More to the point though? It wasn't in my budget to pursue something and give my horses what was best for them. Because what's best for my horses is always my biggest priority.  

For much of my life with these wonderful creatures, what's best for them robs my budget of the ability to pursue any discipline or pay-to-play horse activity. Affording the best diet, healthcare, etc. is worth far more than paying to play anything. I always knew this, but it took taking time away from any/all extrinsic motivation for it to truly become clear.

These past few years have been ripe with me choosing what was best for me and my horses time and time again. It didn't really feel blogworthy at the time, and I didn't have the capacity to put the words down either. It's been a lot of nothing, to be honest. A big pause. A lot of grooming, feeding, frequent hoof trims, body work, and general animal husbandry. Relaxing and spending time together. Miles when we felt like it, but mostly just time spent together. 

The funny thing about taking time and removing all pressures and expectations? It helps rekindle things. Things like intrinsic motivation in particular, which for me is the type of motivation that keeps passions alive - likely for a lifetime. 

As my intrinsic motivation rekindled, I found myself wanting to get more miles on the trail with all three of my horses. No pressure, just time spent in nature seeing beautiful things that surround me. So, at the beginning of last year, I found an older 3-horse trailer and spent more time trailering out than I ever have before. I saw new trails and visited my old favorites. I brought along countless friends to enjoy the time with, too. Sharing the joy of remote areas on horseback with others is the most wonderful thing. 

And to a greater extent, it's that sharing of adventures with horses that brings me back to blogging. Sharing this enjoyment and sharing my adventures is something I very much enjoy doing and taking part in. The community I've found through it is incredible. 

So, uh, hi again? I think I'm back. At least in some capacity.