Over the past several months, I've slowly been archiving all of my blog posts into PDFs. It's a task I've wanted to do for years, but was loathe to take the time. Sadly, many of the links to photos in some of the oldest posts were already broken due to me cleaning out my Blogger photo storage years back without realizing I was breaking links. But the memories and writing are all still there.
What stands out to me the most during this retrospective archiving journey is the GROWTH I have experienced as a horseperson. Holy hell. While reading back on so many things I've chronicled through the years causes me cringe a bit, the growth through it all is so very evident.
This blog has detailed how much I constantly pushed myself to learn more and try more and experience more when it came to my horses and the greater world of horses. I dove into so much learning and exploration and documented it all along the way. My deep dives and exploratory pursuits weren't always the wisest or kindest for my horses, but each taught me something. And as I learned better, I did better.
The learning I've built from every piece has built me into who I am today. My forever-patient horses have been there with me through it all. And while I wasn't always fair to them - or to myself - all of our trials and tribulations have allowed us to reach a place today that is built on a stronger foundation with much clearer communication.
The sadness and embarrassment I feel reading back on some pieces is off-set by knowing that I only bettered myself through those experiences. Neglect is knowing better and not doing better with that information. And I can say with confidence that with each piece of new information I learned that helped me "know better", I worked to evolve and truly do better by implementing that information.
Beyond the sheer growth I've experienced these past 15 years, I am impressed by how ridiculously busy I was with the horses and general life for over a decade. I do not aspire to nearly that level of scheduled chaos these days. All the same, it's inspiring to reflect on, and I definitely took some mental notes and tips from my past self as I went through posts.
It's a strange thing to spend time reading the words of your past self and alternately wanting to hug her, shake her, and occasionally ask her what the hell she was thinking. There are certainly some moments that make me cringe, but mostly I find myself appreciating her enthusiasm, curiosity, and sheer determination to learn ALL THE THINGS. She was trying. She was exploring. She was figuring it out, and she was documenting every last bit of it.
I suppose that's the beauty of keeping a record of your journey. You don't always recognize the progress while you're in the thick of it. Sometimes you need a little distance, a few thousand archived pages, and the benefit of hindsight to appreciate just how far you've come. And I'm particularly grateful for the horses who patiently accompanied me through all of it. They were my teachers, my partners, my humbling experiences, and the reason I kept pushing myself to become better. They deserved the better horseperson I was working toward becoming, and I'm so glad we've had the years together to build the relationships we have today.
I don't imagine I'll ever stop being a student of the horse. There's always more to learn, more to understand, and another layer of communication to develop. But it's pretty wonderful to look back at 15 years of writing and see just how much the person in the saddle has changed. Here's to continuing to learn, continuing to evolve, and hopefully giving my future self a few more reasons to cringe at how much she still has to learn. What a ride.
