Saturday, July 30, 2011

Happiness & Dragons

**update on legit goings-on to come; waiting on pictures for it before I post.

Bear with me, this post is full of thought-puke.  Its all just going to pour out...

Pleasing others, its something I try to do too much.  And I need to quit.  There is a fine line between making others happy by doing a good job and making myself happy in the process.  People request me to do things and when I agree to do them I throw myself into it.  I seek to please to the utmost.  And I seek and seek and seek until its absolutely silly.  I don't always know where to quit.  And lately, its making me miserable. 

I'm trying to help out too many friends at once.  I have trouble saying no.  I'm running myself into the ground trying to please everyone but myself.  Its killing me.  It doesn't stress me out as much as school + work + social situations have freaked me out in the past - I'm not losing undue sleep over it - but its still stressing me out.  I see exactly whats happening and I want to resolve it.  But I just don't know how!  I don't know how to "just say no" when what I'm trying to accomplish is good.  Its helpful for others.  But helpful for others shouldn't take so much time away from  me being me.  That's the bottom line.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm so confused about who I am and who I want to be.  I'm trying to mold myself.  I know where I want to end up.  But then me, now me, and future-hopeful me are all clashing.  I can't get to where I want to be.  I'm booking myself too tight.  I'm disappointed in myself because of it - and that in itself is irrational. 

I'm upset with myself for having such a hard time and being miserable when I've got SO much going for me.  I'm SO lucky.  Why am I so unhappy about select things? 

I NEED to REALLY work on me time.  I need more me time.  I need to make it a DAILY OCCURRENCE.  I need to manage my time better.  I need to get my expectations in line with reality.  But its all so much easier said than done - not to be cliche.

This is all been triggered lately by my research into certain subjects.  My desire to do one thing, and one, or in some cases multiple, people coming down on me for it.  I need to stick to my guns.  I need to do what makes ME happy.  I need to buck up and deal with things just a little better.  But its really difficult when I try to do that and people blatantly ignore what I'm saying or trying to do.  I know things take time.  But damnit, time goes so slow when you're unhappy with things.  Hindsight is 20/20.  And in hindsight things seem so trivial that you once thought were impossible.  And in hindsight things seem to have happened in the blink of an eye, when at the time they seemed to drag on.  And I know, that in hindsight, all of this will be silly.  Just another tiny speed bump in my life.  Not a horribly deep pothole, but just a little speed bump. 

UGH!  I hate not knowing how to handle something; or what's more, I hate knowing how to handle something and not doing it!  Its like, I know how I want to act, how I should act, and then some part of me comes roaring out of it's cave I thought I'd locked it away in and just takes over and ruins things.  I need to keep these dragons caged.  Or better yet, find a way to set them FREE so they never return.  

Conclusions: I need to make more time for me; more time to slow down, to enjoy the slow passage of time in a relaxing manner.  I need to learn how to say no.  I need to buck up and deal with things a little better - in a way I want to deal with them, the way I know is right.  I need to set my dragons free.

Fly away dragons, fly away.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you're saying about saying no and people pleasing. This has always been a struggle for me and it's gotten more difficult as a parent because my not saying no can effect my kid sometimes in a negative way (like trying to see too many people at holidays or going out with a friend when I know he's too tired, etc, etc). It's also even harder to schedule me time. When I'm alone I just think about what I need to do - cleaning, cooking, blah, blah, blah. It's hard to sit and be and find a hobby to work on. So I sympathize, but I don't really know what advice to give but to just keep trying! Good luck to you! The sooner you (and we) master this the better!!! :)