Mondays

Such an awful case of the Mondays.  I keep encouraging myself that today WILL be a good day, but I don’t know.  I’m just not in it; not with it.  And its mornings like this that make me wonder is this really what I want to be doing with my life?  Maybe I’d be happier with something else outdoors related, more parks & recreation?  But then I wonder if I would be selling myself short to do something like that instead of this?  Because its just when I’m stretched and pushed that I get frustrated, but a good job should stretch and push you.  Being able to settle in and get comfortable wouldn’t be as fun.  I sure am having difficulties currently though.

I think a big part of that is that this is the first summer that I don’t have that light at the end of the tunnel; that light that means come August, I’ll be released from the real world to run back to the sanctuary of college.  The security of my studies and friends and all that is normal and comfortable.  That won’t be happening this year and its beyond foreign to me.  And it scares me – a lot.  I’m trying to come to terms with it, but its hard.

I’m trying each day, especially weekends, to learn how to BE.  To be in the moment, to appreciate the present and not look too far forward or backward.  To not become too worried with things I can’t change.  Some book or movie or something I came across lately had this line from a character, “If I won’t be worrying about it on my death bed, why should I worry about it now?”  It’s a little extreme, yes, but it has merit.  I worry a lot, not so much lately as I used to, but still a bit more than I should.  I need to let more go.  Move on, just BE.

Weekends have been easy.  I’m limiting my cell phone usage on weekends.  Not texting or calling.  My social networking online has been minimal, too.  I’m just embracing the here-and-now on the weekends.  So pleasant.

The work week is a little harder because I welcome all distractions. I’m not committed to this whole thing yet.  It scares me.  But I’m trying.  And I’ve come a long way in a month, I really have.  I hit the ground running with this job.  Its not the position I anticipated having, and so I’ve struggled.  But I’m adapting.  And its only a year, right?  Granted a year is a long time, yet so little in the grand scheme of things. 

Orion’s training for the race (in 27 days) is hard to fit in lately.  Its wearing me down to put in the mileage I need to put in.  Rewarding to see him excelling so much though.  So rewarding.  But I need to pick up the pace still.  I’m just so exhausted from fitting in everything.  But I’m not someone to give up something I’ve started and have gotten so far into.  And I love riding, I do.  Its just hard currently to fit in the mileage and eat – since evidence last week points out that I am not capable of rough riding on a full stomach, ha.  But little man has found his stride, he’s kicking some butt on timings/mileage thus accomplished.  Great to see him excelling.

Here’s to hoping I find my stride, too.