Happiness & Dragons

**update on legit goings-on to come; waiting on pictures for it before I post.

Bear with me, this post is full of thought-puke.  Its all just going to pour out...

Pleasing others, its something I try to do too much.  And I need to quit.  There is a fine line between making others happy by doing a good job and making myself happy in the process.  People request me to do things and when I agree to do them I throw myself into it.  I seek to please to the utmost.  And I seek and seek and seek until its absolutely silly.  I don't always know where to quit.  And lately, its making me miserable. 

I'm trying to help out too many friends at once.  I have trouble saying no.  I'm running myself into the ground trying to please everyone but myself.  Its killing me.  It doesn't stress me out as much as school + work + social situations have freaked me out in the past - I'm not losing undue sleep over it - but its still stressing me out.  I see exactly whats happening and I want to resolve it.  But I just don't know how!  I don't know how to "just say no" when what I'm trying to accomplish is good.  Its helpful for others.  But helpful for others shouldn't take so much time away from  me being me.  That's the bottom line.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm so confused about who I am and who I want to be.  I'm trying to mold myself.  I know where I want to end up.  But then me, now me, and future-hopeful me are all clashing.  I can't get to where I want to be.  I'm booking myself too tight.  I'm disappointed in myself because of it - and that in itself is irrational. 

I'm upset with myself for having such a hard time and being miserable when I've got SO much going for me.  I'm SO lucky.  Why am I so unhappy about select things? 

I NEED to REALLY work on me time.  I need more me time.  I need to make it a DAILY OCCURRENCE.  I need to manage my time better.  I need to get my expectations in line with reality.  But its all so much easier said than done - not to be cliche.

This is all been triggered lately by my research into certain subjects.  My desire to do one thing, and one, or in some cases multiple, people coming down on me for it.  I need to stick to my guns.  I need to do what makes ME happy.  I need to buck up and deal with things just a little better.  But its really difficult when I try to do that and people blatantly ignore what I'm saying or trying to do.  I know things take time.  But damnit, time goes so slow when you're unhappy with things.  Hindsight is 20/20.  And in hindsight things seem so trivial that you once thought were impossible.  And in hindsight things seem to have happened in the blink of an eye, when at the time they seemed to drag on.  And I know, that in hindsight, all of this will be silly.  Just another tiny speed bump in my life.  Not a horribly deep pothole, but just a little speed bump. 

UGH!  I hate not knowing how to handle something; or what's more, I hate knowing how to handle something and not doing it!  Its like, I know how I want to act, how I should act, and then some part of me comes roaring out of it's cave I thought I'd locked it away in and just takes over and ruins things.  I need to keep these dragons caged.  Or better yet, find a way to set them FREE so they never return.  

Conclusions: I need to make more time for me; more time to slow down, to enjoy the slow passage of time in a relaxing manner.  I need to learn how to say no.  I need to buck up and deal with things a little better - in a way I want to deal with them, the way I know is right.  I need to set my dragons free.

Fly away dragons, fly away.

Picture previews

I promise I will actually WRITE a blog entry this week...   Photos are just SO much easier and less time consuming.  Work has been busy; things with Orion are improving; life is moving along well enough; I need to find a little more me-time in the evenings to relax [and blog].

My Escape

More pictures and video to follow in the upcoming days...

Broken, bouncing, and building

Last night I had an emotional break down.  A few key things triggered it, but overall it was due to a lot of stuff building up around me.  I have been booking myself way too tight for the past month.  Its killing me & I need to change it.  I've been reassessing some things and I've had a couple beautiful opportunities fall into my lap today when I was still feeling so down and confused.

Things are bouncing back up now.  Its going to be a few days before I know for certain - building in the right direction is encouraging though.  I hate that I had to break down to such a low point before I was able to build back up though.  I mean, I'm not out of the woods yet.  But I'm getting there for certain.  I need to practice things from Nina's class to keep my emotional and mental health in better shape.  I'm loads better than I used to be, but I still have work to do.

A preview of hopeful things to come

Today at work - for the first time ever since I started on June 5 - I was busy all day long until right around 5p when I finally completed what I had been working on.  Thats right, one big project that took up the whole day!  Craziness.  And I have a respectable pile of stuff to do later in the week.  AND I'm going to be in the field the next two days!  What is this nonsense?!  I don't really mind it, honestly.  The day passed SO much quicker.  I usually get to 1:30p and beg for the arrival of 5:30p but time never passes quick enough.  I only had a half hour to whittle away today.  Not too shabby at all!

NOT looking forward to this week/weekend however!!

Real quick...*update*

Does anyone have recommendations about stretching or massage techniques for horses?  Been looking at books and wondered which would be the best.  Gotta get Orion feeling better.

Out to wrap and poultice his legs this afternoon!

Updates later...

**

The swelling in both his legs has gone down considerably.  Still there, but not so bad.  You can't really notice it from a distance like you could before.  His left is more swollen than his right.  I'm optimistic that the inflammation will be gone within a week!  I just hope he can get moving a little better this week.  Suzanne is going to cast his feet on Monday to finally banish the thrush and aid him with sole growth.  I think if he can finally get some nice feet under him he'll be a lot more comfortable and a lot of things will change for him at once.

Forelegs poulticed and wrapped; hinds wrapped just for bug protection; fly mask on face; hot pink SWAT on open wounds to ward off flies - on his rear where the other horses bit the ever-loving shit out of him.  Bleeding in four places!!  Poor broken horse.  =(

And oh my goodness, is this the buggiest summer or what?!  I'm finding myself with more mosquito bites than I ever have in WV before.  They're usually not bad at all!  Going out with the horses things are 10x worse though.  Poor horses...granted I'd rather be a horse than a cow or deer dealing with flies!  A mane and long swooshing tail are far better weapons than those that other animals have.  I do a funky little dance constantly while outside anywhere near the woods or horses as I swing my arms ape-like through the air to ward off insects.  Slapping my arms, legs, etc. in time, too.  Its just glorious.

But it has been a beautiful few days.  WV is super duper green right now.  I'm thinking I'll have to do a post on just all the green around me here in a few days or so.  Green and lush and fluffy with bright blue skies.  WV, you're so pretty right now, I just wish you would ixnay on the humidity for a long while!

Hope your weekend is relaxing, too.

Updates on the poor boy

Lame.  Still swollen.  And a month of no-riding vacation starts today.

But he's so damn gorgeous!

 
Krystin Dennis came today and did his teeth to put him on the right track getting balanced out and all fat'n'sassy.  I didn't understand everything she told me - as I JUST found out about her and read her website a few hours prior to going out - but I trust her.  She's got some pretty bomber credentials.  And Suzanne trusts her.  And Suzanne always does her homework real well. 

So he's got to be feeling better!  Suzanne is going to cast his feet next week to help cure his thrush and grow some sole.  His legs - still swollen - are wrapped and poulticed.  We'll be doing some hand-walking and ground work for the next month.  I really hope and pray (and hope and pray some more for good measure) that he doesn't have some other serious issue.  I'm getting very concerned.  I just don't know what I'd do with a horse I couldn't ride...  Pushing those thoughts aside for now.

Its nice to have my evenings a little more freer.  Not having to cram in this huge, long rides is nice.  I'm feeling a little more rested.  Its rather pleasant.  Hopefully a lazy weekend will rejuvenate me completely.  Another off-the-grid weekend of minimal texting/internet/social networking.  Bring it.

Throwing in the towel

Welp, no endurance race for me. 

Orion has been half-assed gimping at random times for the past couple rides.  Last night it came to a head.  We did 12 miles (which he excelled at despite it all) and he was tripping all over the place at the end.  I called Sonya and Angie and we free lunged him when I returned.  I value their opinions a lot and wanted to see what they thought.  He was tired, stiff, tied up in the back end, and really sore seeming.  We bathed him to cool him, then bathed him with linament to cool and ease his muscles even more.  Fed him a bunch of grain/electrolytes/mineral supplement and he still was dragging.  I left him with Sonya's horse (his favorite girlfriend of the 5 he has) last night. 

I realized as we were finishing the ride last night that I would probably have to make a decision as to whether or not to do the race.  Ultimately I would have to decide what would be best for Orion.

This morning Sonya updated me that he was lame on his front left and really sore all over.  Not looking good.  By the time I arrived out there this evening his front legs were really swollen from the knees down.  Suzanne came over tonight, too.  Between Angie, Sonya, and Suzanne I've got a lot of really good opinions and amazing guidance on this whole issue.  I hosed him off to ease the swelling, rubbed on more linament and then hopped on him bareback, legging capris, and bare feet to ride about 2 miles at a walk to help him move and get the swelling down some more.  It came down, but he still had a slight gimp in the front.

So it sucks.  A lot.  But its the right decision to make.  Its best for him.  Sure, I could cushion his boots, wrap his legs for support, beef up his feed/minerals/electrolytes/etc., but our workouts are still bumping up to 12 miles and beyond per day.  Being not 100% and pushing so hard would NOT be good for him.  This is the right decision.

I hate throwing in the towel on something I devoted so much time and effort into.  But not hurting Orion is the most important thing.  I had an offer to ride someone else's horse and do the race, but I think I would rather volunteer my time to help with the race now that I can't race.  Orion has more time to get fat and sassy; I have more time to ride with Suzanne's kids; I have more time to learn barefoot trimming properly; Orion has more time to get his feet all sorted out for good.  Little man needs to put on 100 lbs at least.  Without super hard riding 5 or 6 days a week he has a better opportunity to do this.  I just hope and pray there isn't a more serious underlying issue that is causing the issues he has!

So that's it, my big news, big disappointment, big trying-to-find-the-silver-lining.  Thinking positive, baby, its all I can do.

Mondays

Such an awful case of the Mondays.  I keep encouraging myself that today WILL be a good day, but I don’t know.  I’m just not in it; not with it.  And its mornings like this that make me wonder is this really what I want to be doing with my life?  Maybe I’d be happier with something else outdoors related, more parks & recreation?  But then I wonder if I would be selling myself short to do something like that instead of this?  Because its just when I’m stretched and pushed that I get frustrated, but a good job should stretch and push you.  Being able to settle in and get comfortable wouldn’t be as fun.  I sure am having difficulties currently though.

I think a big part of that is that this is the first summer that I don’t have that light at the end of the tunnel; that light that means come August, I’ll be released from the real world to run back to the sanctuary of college.  The security of my studies and friends and all that is normal and comfortable.  That won’t be happening this year and its beyond foreign to me.  And it scares me – a lot.  I’m trying to come to terms with it, but its hard.

I’m trying each day, especially weekends, to learn how to BE.  To be in the moment, to appreciate the present and not look too far forward or backward.  To not become too worried with things I can’t change.  Some book or movie or something I came across lately had this line from a character, “If I won’t be worrying about it on my death bed, why should I worry about it now?”  It’s a little extreme, yes, but it has merit.  I worry a lot, not so much lately as I used to, but still a bit more than I should.  I need to let more go.  Move on, just BE.

Weekends have been easy.  I’m limiting my cell phone usage on weekends.  Not texting or calling.  My social networking online has been minimal, too.  I’m just embracing the here-and-now on the weekends.  So pleasant.

The work week is a little harder because I welcome all distractions. I’m not committed to this whole thing yet.  It scares me.  But I’m trying.  And I’ve come a long way in a month, I really have.  I hit the ground running with this job.  Its not the position I anticipated having, and so I’ve struggled.  But I’m adapting.  And its only a year, right?  Granted a year is a long time, yet so little in the grand scheme of things. 

Orion’s training for the race (in 27 days) is hard to fit in lately.  Its wearing me down to put in the mileage I need to put in.  Rewarding to see him excelling so much though.  So rewarding.  But I need to pick up the pace still.  I’m just so exhausted from fitting in everything.  But I’m not someone to give up something I’ve started and have gotten so far into.  And I love riding, I do.  Its just hard currently to fit in the mileage and eat – since evidence last week points out that I am not capable of rough riding on a full stomach, ha.  But little man has found his stride, he’s kicking some butt on timings/mileage thus accomplished.  Great to see him excelling.

Here’s to hoping I find my stride, too.

Factoid blippits

• ·         1812 Overture & Stars and Stripes Forever + fireworks + being at one of America’s most notable battlefields of all time [Antietam] makes for a memorable holiday experience

 

• ·         Chuck E Cheese isn’t quite as fun as it used to be, but still quite enjoyable as a 20-something
• ·         The percentage of people near to me who are truly in-touch with reality is strikingly low
• ·         750mL of bubbly can be consumed in a few short hours by one person
• ·         Sushi & extreme holiday-sale shopping can combat all evils (hurrah for NY&Co & Banana Republic)
• ·         Artsing and craftsing my own horse tack is possible

  

  nom nom-ing on some alfalfa

• ·         More pros added to the Liz-shouldn’t-have-kids category – don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy playing with most children, but too many drive me mad; I like rescuing their parents for a brief stint and being able to return said children later.  However there are three kids entwined in my life right now that I love to death
• ·         My horse thinks he is a mountain goat
• ·         Wood thrush calls are completely magical (http://identify.whatbird.com/obj/683/_/Wood_Thrush.aspx
• ·         A misty woodland dusk ride alone with my horse restores all happiness and calms all stress
•  ·        Chip, our not-really pet Eastern box turtle is back for the ump-teenth year in a row to lay her eggs again
  
• Orion is capable of cantering for 4 straight miles and being barely out of breath!  Hurrah!
• Throwing up while on horseback is possible - I don't suggest chugging Sprite, Gatorade, or eating two sandwiches prior to doing hard riding (lol)
• Blogger --> Google blogs?  Blogger is so much more fun to say though....
• Construction. SUCKS.
• Found my niche at work; bring it on!  So happy to be busy at work.  =)
• But weekends are still the best - this one begins my off the grid weekends followed by only photos or nothing