I started this blog because new doors in my life were beginning to present themselves, to open and beckon me forth. I was excited about all these new possible opportunities. I was a little scared - but not really. I had a plan. I knew which door I was going through - and that confidence spurred me onward and made everything ok.
But I don't know what door I'm going through anymore - and it scares the shit out of me.
The doors to grad school - my plan - have been closed. Temporarily, yes, but closed all the same. I've been thrust into the real-world without warning. It crept up on me and attacked when I was least ready - the real-world is a sit-and-wait, ambush predator. And its big and evil and I don't like it. I've applied for some jobs. I'm kind of receiving positive feedback from one - but I have more hoops to jump through before that will work out for me. Not knowing is driving me mad.
I've always been a person-with-a-plan. I'm super organized and detail-oriented - great traits for most real-world opportunities, I'm learning. I'm a bit of a control-freak who is learning to let things go. I'm learning to relax more than I did, to let things go that I absolutely, 100% cannot change. I was never super-crazy-control-freak-y, but I've never been as go-with-the-flow-y as I'd like to be. Now I've got to be to be sane and sleep at night!
I'm all over the place since January 1st. Absolutely, 100% all over the place. I'm not the me I've known for years. (Knowing who I am and who I'm not is an accomplishment of some-sort, I feel.) I recognize that I'm growing, learning, and changing all the time - but since January 1st so many things have been thrust upon me that I never expected. I'm being thrown hither and thither having to make big decisions and move through things. I've reintroduced things back into my life to help with the stress - horses, climbing, yoga, etc. - but it still doesn't calm my sleep at night. I sleep, sure, but I dream constantly, vividly, about a million and one tiny little things. I'm never fully rested. I've started napping too - and those are full of dreams as well. I'm constantly on-edge. Its all got to stop sometime - right?
This week up-coming is spring break for WVU. I plan to spend it horseback riding, climbing, yogaing, eating yummy food, and relaxing with the pup. I need to do a little bit of homework too - but that will be voluntary, to try and ease my load for when I return. I want to try to "get ahead" with my schoolwork like I used to do all the time. Lately I'm always behind and barely on-time - not very Liz. Liz is prepared and early about things, this new me isn't. This new me is fed up with classes and inept professors and - as a result of inept professors - frustrated about things and un-caring about my grade as long as its passing. I just want out. I know I'm going to miss college dearly when I'm done, but right now, I just want to be done. Besidessssss, I'm gonna go back and get my MS eventually....
So pretty much - I'm scared. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing any more. It scares the absolute shit out of me. I imagine I should be thankful for the blank slate in front of my and all the awesome achievements I've laid out behind me - and I am - but boy am I scared about the unknown. I'm going to do my best to take this all one-day-at-a-time for now - try to concentrate on the positive things, the known-every-day things. And right now, on this morning that promises a beautiful day, I know this -- I missed these foggy, West Virginia mountain kind of mornings. Foggy mornings that always promise a day of blue skies, sunshine, and calm breezes. Foggy mornings with birds singing, encouraging the sun to come up and break away the fog - and threatening that other bird in the tree-by-the-driveway to stay the hell out of his territory =). So, here's to today.