Thursday, March 17, 2011

Ready for anything - or trying anyway

I started this blog because new doors in my life were beginning to present themselves, to open and beckon me forth.  I was excited about all these new possible opportunities.  I was a little scared - but not really.  I had a plan.  I knew which door I was going through - and that confidence spurred me onward and made everything ok.

But I don't know what door I'm going through anymore - and it scares the shit out of me.

The doors to grad school - my plan - have been closed.  Temporarily, yes, but closed all the same.  I've been thrust into the real-world without warning.  It crept up on me and attacked when I was least ready - the real-world is a sit-and-wait, ambush predator.  And its big and evil and I don't like it.  I've applied for some jobs.  I'm kind of receiving positive feedback from one - but I have more hoops to jump through before that will work out for me.  Not knowing is driving me mad.

I've always been a person-with-a-plan.  I'm super organized and detail-oriented - great traits for most real-world opportunities, I'm learning.  I'm a bit of a control-freak who is learning to let things go.  I'm learning to relax more than I did, to let things go that I absolutely, 100% cannot change.  I was never super-crazy-control-freak-y, but I've never been as go-with-the-flow-y as I'd like to be.  Now I've got to be to be sane and sleep at night!

I'm all over the place since January 1st.  Absolutely, 100% all over the place.  I'm not the me I've known for years.  (Knowing who I am and who I'm not is an accomplishment of some-sort, I feel.)  I recognize that I'm growing, learning, and changing all the time - but since January 1st so many things have been thrust upon me that I never expected.  I'm being thrown hither and thither having to make big decisions and move through things.  I've reintroduced things back into my life to help with the stress - horses, climbing, yoga, etc. - but it still doesn't calm my sleep at night.  I sleep, sure, but I dream constantly, vividly, about a million and one tiny little things.  I'm never fully rested.  I've started napping too - and those are full of dreams as well.  I'm constantly on-edge.  Its all got to stop sometime - right?

This week up-coming is spring break for WVU.  I plan to spend it horseback riding, climbing, yogaing, eating yummy food, and relaxing with the pup.  I need to do a little bit of homework too - but that will be voluntary, to try and ease my load for when I return.  I want to try to "get ahead" with my schoolwork like I used to do all the time.  Lately I'm always behind and barely on-time - not very Liz.  Liz is prepared and early about things, this new me isn't.  This new me is fed up with classes and inept professors and - as a result of inept professors - frustrated about things and un-caring about my grade as long as its passing.  I just want out.  I know I'm going to miss college dearly when I'm done, but right now, I just want to be done.  Besidessssss, I'm gonna go back and get my MS eventually....

So pretty much - I'm scared.  I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing any more.  It scares the absolute shit out of me.  I imagine I should be thankful for the blank slate in front of my and all the awesome achievements I've laid out behind me - and I am - but boy am I scared about the unknown.  I'm going to do my best to take this all one-day-at-a-time for now - try to concentrate on the positive things, the known-every-day things.  And right now, on this morning that promises a beautiful day, I know this -- I missed these foggy, West Virginia mountain kind of mornings.  Foggy mornings that always promise a day of blue skies, sunshine, and calm breezes.  Foggy mornings with birds singing, encouraging the sun to come up and break away the fog - and threatening that other bird in the tree-by-the-driveway to stay the hell out of his territory =).  So, here's to today.

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